I can't stop thinking about you. I don't think you realize how many pieces of you are left here for me to desperately try to avoid. I think about the way you are a part of me. I tried my hardest to make sure you knew you were still something to me, that you were still alive in my heart. And, you are still very much alive there. But you're gone. And it is my fault. I am devastated. I knew you were going to leave, but now you're gone before you've even left. I showed you the parts of me I am too scared to show people. I showed you the fevered, irrational, emotional, hurt side of me that I keep locked in the corner of my heart, away from people who wouldn't understand, wouldn't care to understand. From people who would leave, would run. From people who would go further from what you're running from. And we were always running. Running against time, just trying to be as 'together' as we possibly could. You showed me sides of you, too. But I had to pull for them. I had to convince you to trust me, and to not blow me off like you wanted to. I didn't do it because I felt I had a right to know, or because I thought it was some trade off of our deepest secrets. I did it because I wanted a part of you to belong to me. I wanted to be privledged to something no one esle was. That is the truth. And I loved you, regardless.  And now I realize that this isn't yours, it is mine. Because this doesn't depend on you. Because you are gone, and I still love you. I wasn't looking for love when I met you, I wasn't looking for anything. I just loved you, because I found you, and I saw you, and sometimes, at the right moment, I felt you found me, too. I have always been told that if you love someone, let them go. If they love you, they will come back. I don't think you'll come back. I don't think you'll let yourself. And I, I am grasping for anything I can. Because what no one ever told me was that when people leave, they leave behind parts of themselves, they leave behind memories and feelings. And I am scared of that. I dreamed about you, last night. And I flashback to every moment we ever spent together. It's a dizzy, blurred, frantic sort of thing. I do not know what to do, without you. I do not know how to accept it. I do not know how to fake a smile and go about my day like I used to. I feel like I am missing something vital to my existance, and I'm stuck with the taunting knowledge that it is all.my.fault. I just want you to come back. I want you to need me. I want I want I want I want I want.